Most people think of intimacy as:


💕 Date Nights & Romance

💕 Sharing Stories & Memories

💕 Living & Building a Life Together

💕 Going New Places & Adventuring Together

💕 Making Your Partner Feel Special & Loved

💕 Showing Appreciation Daily

💕 Participating in Rituals of Connection etc.

And yes! All of those examples fall under the realm of how to create and maintain intimacy, overtime. However, one of the most overlooked, pivotal and transformative moments for intimacy to blossom is in the tender moments of reactivity & repair.

We overlook it because it often seems impossible to do both:

1. Create intimacy.

2. And repair from a reactive or triggered moment at the same time.

However, how we handle conflict, especially in the face of frustration, anger or resentment is what often makes or breaks us in the end.

The standards we set and the agreements we make about how to navigate conflict is what sets the foundation for long lasting integrity, respect & friendship to prosper in love.

Vulnerability and radical accountability are essential building blocks for emotional safety and intimacy during a repair. The key to building intimacy during a repair is about remaining emotion focused, which is essentially about abandoning the egos need to be right.

When we veer away from “content style” or “he said/she said” political platform forms of communication, a truer connection, beyond defensive projections, negative narratives or unhelpful trance cycles that don’t serve the relationship, can begin to fade away. That old programming will sink the ship in relation”ship” before the people in it ever really get the “chance to sail.”

Turning towards each other with empathy and understanding instead of right/wrong is a main tenet (what I refer to as the secret sauce) for building long lasting, deep intimacy in relationships. If you and your partner learn how to navigate the rougher seas, the calm seas will be a breeze.

When you manage conflict successfully as a team, the rest of the relationship gets to be even “more fun” and most importantly a more peaceful ease & flow will set into the fabric your daily lives.

Here’s a few tips for repairing after an argument, trigger or disagreement:

1.Regulate or co-regulate breathing if your body feels flooded and take a time out before you get too upset. Tell your partner you will be back to repair before you depart for a time out so your partner doesn’t feel “left or abandoned.”

2.Take time to regulate your nervous system by breathing deeply. CPR breathing or a QiGong practice may be a helpful resource. The Schumann hertz resonance frequency, 7.83 hertz is also a helpful to ground and relax the body. You can look up different healing frequencies on any major music search engine. The idea is to calm down the sympathetic nervous system enough to where the para-sympathetic nervous system turns on. This will usually allow you access a more calm and clear state of mind as you go onto step #3.

3.After you have regulated your system, take time to reflect and answer these 3 questions:

a. What are you accountable for when you were in a triggered state?

b. How did you feel or what was the trigger underlying the situation that occurred?

c. What is your positive and specific request for change moving forward?

4.When you are ready, invite your partner into a repair conversation. I recommend no longer than an hour or 2 break, unless you’re working or busy with something important. It’s also helpful to make sure your partner is ready to repair as well; don’t assume they are.

5.Don’t argue right and wrong about “what happened.” Feelings are the universal language for “connection so keep it emotion focused.”

Do not get stuck in the “content” or the “he said/she said” dynamic. Instead share how you feel – ie: I feel sad, lonely, disconnected.

6.Then make a concise, specific and actionable request for change moving forward. Request what would make a difference next time by sharing what you desire as opposed to complaining about what you don’t want.

For example don’t say: “It would really make a difference (or it would be helpful) if you didn’t leave your shoes by the front door.

Instead say something like this: “it would really be helpful if you’d put your shoes away when you arrived home please” or “would you mind putting your shoes in the closet please?”

Note: The positive request/question will always be received better, no matter how frustrated you may feel. Stay away from words or phrases like: “you should/could have” or “you didn’t.” This will bring about a defensive posture in your partner because they may feel “attacked of criticized.”

7. Take turns sharing and addressing each of your requests separately that way nothing gets lost in translation. Create space for each person to share feelings & make clear requests for solutions that would be helpful next time. Be present and patient. Allow forgiveness, accountability and your heart to lead. It will take some time to get this dialed in so stay consistent until it becomes a habit.

To learn more about how to communicate better & increase emotional intimacy with your partner visit We have lots of different options for individuals and couples: 1 on 1 coaching, masterclasses, programs & membership.

Contact Dr. Eva’s Team direct: (754) 245-1424. Love listening to podcasts? Check out the Sacred Partners podcast on Spotify @

Dr. Eva Brown PhD
Marriage and Family Therapist
Owner of Couples Seeking Solutions LLC
and the “Taboo Talk Time with Dr. Eva” Podcast
[email protected]comListen to the podcast now:
Google Play:

Dr. Eva Brown PhD
Marriage and Family Therapist
Owner of Couples Seeking Solutions LLC
and the “Taboo Talk Time with Dr. Eva” Podcast
[email protected]comListen to the podcast now:
Google Play:
Dr.Eva Brown PhD,Couples and Intimacy Therapist
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Dr.Eva Brown PhD,Couples and Intimacy Therapist

Dr. Eva Brown Ph.D. is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She specializes in working with individuals and couples in the areas of communication, emotional intimacy, sexuality & trauma recovery challenges. She has been in private practice for 12 years and have collaboratively established a 93% success rate helping couples recover from multi-generational trauma, infidelity, power struggles, trust, intimacy, sex, communication challenges and more. Website: Phone: (754) 245-1424 Email: [email protected]

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